Date:	2005-02-01 10:34
Subject:	january juggle
Security:	Public
Mood:	accomplished

so the first month of the new year comes to a close. while the events, faces, and the lessons (sana nga i get to absorb them) are still fresh, i'd like to look back a bit and try to recall how my january went, somehow assessing in the process, for reflection, how i have been living my life so far. you see, the usual tendency is for us to sentimentally "perform a review" of how we've spent our years only when it's our birthday or when we change calendars, such that it is very likely that some memories, occasions and realizations get to escape our struggling head. this is the reason why i thought of coming up with something like a monthly "assessment" of my life, to include, in particular, experiences, emotions, decisions, people and stuff which molded the past 30 days or so i've spent in this world. hopefully, thru this, i would get to appreciate life's mysteries, little miracles, angels in disguise, even the challenges and trials which came my way. and also, that finally, i'll discover where to derive the passion i've long been searching, in order for me to achieve true happiness and fulfillment.

such a seeming shot at nirvana, you'd suppose. but hey, it's what everyone aspires for and everyone's got their own little ways, right? what matters is that though our target may seem impossible to conquer, at the end of the day, in success or failure, we can say that we've done our part and hoped for the best, don't you think? so before i get to wade uncontrollably further into fake profundity, allow me to present everything that made up my january list:

a. love/lust life
jan. 4 was the day i think i decisively gave up on oliver, the subject of at least two
of my blog posts, after around a month of..well..an emotional ride. he's still a friend to at
least three of the guys in my group, but we don't communicate anymore.
kenneth, an attached guy i met in bed dec. 30th last year, gave me on jan. 13 a
starbucks planner, a gesture with which i was touched, since he found out about my
wanting to get the planner the night we met when we had coffee at starbucks adriatico.
well, at first, we were seeing each other at least once a week (just dinner, beer, no sex)
but now he hardly even texts me. i guess that's because i walked out on him the last time we
saw each other for being takusa (takot sa boyfriend).
then reyg, this smk-looking guy with a not-so smk voice whom i met at tribu jan. 7th.
i cut off last week whatever he was wishing us to become as i got turned off of his being
makulit. he turned out to take it badly as he texted me "pare-pareho lang kayo".
now, i am, as has been the case for the longest time, single. but i ain't severely feeling
like a loser, especially since valentine's is just around the corner. i'm just trying to get
my mind off it.

b. friends
i still am nurturing hurt some friends caused me. i don't wanna expound on the story, but i
have a feeling it'll be patched soon. hopefully, i'll finally get to find a way to deal with
them truly comfortably.
it was also this january when i gained a new friend, danuel, a chinky-eyed atenean who is the
newbie in our group. he sure is charismatic, and has substance. actually, he's a former
crush.
not much major "contingents" of our group this month, despite four birthday celebrants.
joined them in bagaberde last jan. 8 but did not anymore during their next gimmicks there.
bonded with arj and pao instead in bed on jan. 15 and 28.

c. work
as i've mentioned in one of my posts, i'm currently facing major changes as far as my
responsibilities in my job is concerned. i'm still waiting for signs where i'm supposed to be
headed, hopefully i get to take the right options.
i started attending mandarin classes at the dfa's foreign service institute jan. 11th. it is
indeed exciting learning a new language, even as our lessons get more complicated as we
progress.

i realized that i've come up with a lot of posts for january, here and in my other blog. and that's good as i get to practice my writing skills.

for this month, i've got to be thankful that my family has been in stable health conditions and continues to blessed. as i move on, and begin another month, i hope i get to adopt a more optimistic outlook, spend wisely, and get to settle some "pendings" which are currently in my doorstep. on the less serious front, i simply wish it's going to be more fun, fun, fun. yebba!

Date:	2005-01-28 01:05
Subject:	work-related rant
Security:	Public
Mood:	frustrated
Music:	john mayer's no such thing

as i've said in my previous post, some stuff concerning work have been making me feel anxious lately. lemme rant about that now.

about two weeks ago, the office head, thru an e-mail sent to our unit, ordered that the task which has been my main responsibility since i came here a year and a half ago ("packaging" official statements/responses of the president as well as other top government officials on a daily/weekly basis for dissemination to cabinet members) be delegated to another office. he cited as the reason some bureaucratic "gobbledygook" which i find it hard to recall now. this, in effect, supposedly leaves me with no routine output to accomplish daily. but of course, i can't be left idle and get paid for it. so i understand starting this monday, i'll be joining my co-members in the "writers pool" in monitoring coverage of illegal logging and mining issues in certain morning programs on AM radio, again per instructions of the office head. also, and i believe this one would come more often than before, we'd be working on "random" technical tasks coming from the top, such as drafting a primer on the RP mining industry, keeping a directory of GOCCs and undersecretaries in all gov't agencies, even conceptualizing a new interface for the official government website.

i am, in short, facing major, stress-inducing changes as far as my workload is concerned. you see, we're supposed to be writers, yet since per our unit's mandate we can be required as well to accomplish "other tasks" as may be ordered by the office head, we have no choice but just to follow, regardless of whether or not those tasks involve writing, or even whether we are skilled, equipped or trained enough to efficiently handle them. variety is absolutely welcome, but having to force yourself into doing things which you know aren't what you're supposedly doing is another thing.

still, using a different perspective, this may just be my initial reactions to these changes after all, and i may shift my tone soon. but then again, as of the moment, i really don't see myself growing old in the bureaucracy. maybe a teacher, but not a civil servant.

honestly, i feel that my skills and my potential are not being optimized in my job. if this sentiment prevails, i might:
a. apply for a teaching job at a private high school in the metropolis;
b. accept my sister's offer to support my graduate studies hopefully in up, and work part-time; or
c. go back to the media (just the thought still excites me somehow, despite my uneventful and not-so-encouraging experiences from the distant past)

Date:	2005-01-24 04:36
Subject:	spontaneous, this post
Security:	Public
Mood:	lethargic
Music:	"lovers in paris" korean theme

don't have plans to update today, really. just so happened that i've got spare time here in the office while waiting for my boss to call it a day, four hours after punch-out time. unexpectedly, we were given a rush job due tomorrow morning. while im typing this my boss is presently editing the material my supervisor (with some assistance from me and the rest of her staff) drafted. though there's nothing to be excited about going home early tonight, of course i'd still prefer to be home this very moment. so i hope she finishes real soon.

the material we were asked to write is a mini-paper on the cons to the transfer to our building of an office rendering frontline service to the people, which is presently some blocks away from us. the buzz is that "the petite queen" got caught in traffic while passing by the street where the office is currently located, as everyday, long queues are a normal sight at the office. thus they are thinking of moving that office in our building, which is situated in a street that is not her regular route coming to and from the complex.

well, if i am to be asked, i don't think the material can be excellently done in such short notice. number one, the data to support the paper's position aren't immediately accessible. definitely, research ought to be involved here. number two, for an issue concerning the entire office, taking in inputs from other units within the office regarding the matter at hand would surely help in coming up with a well-prepared draft.

i've told my officemates these, but then, we have no choice but to abide first and relay our thoughts about the task later, regardless of wasting working time spent beyond office hours and compromising quality of output.

i actually am anxious about other matters related to work, but perhaps, i'll write about them some other time.

Date:	2005-01-12 23:16
Subject:	divertion
Security:	Public
Mood:	mellow
Music:	someone that i used to love

luckily, these past few days, in my unofficial "recovery" phase, i've got some activities which help me keep my mind, at least for some hours in a day, off the recent heartbreak. these include:

1. playing badminton - for some months now, i've been playing with this guy (straight and not a karirable creature) whom i knew thru a badminton ygroup at a court near our place. courtesy of him i was able to learn some basic techniques and develop my smashing skills. i still can be classified as an average player but he says i've already improved. playing has also become my weekly exercise since i've stopped going to the gym.

2. reading a book - an feu student whom i've exchanged bj's with twice lent me a copy of the da vinci code last week. i've yet to reach the middle part of the novel, but hands-down, the plot's a winner.

3. attending class - my twice-a-week (tues-wed, 5:30-8pm) mandarin class at the dfa's foreign service institute. as i've said in my other blog, learning the language is pretty confusing at first, but it's cool getting the sounds and the tones correctly. the whole program actually covers six semesters for two years, with the first running until april.

of course, the memories are still quite fresh, once in a while especially when something or someone makes you remember stuff associated with the person or with the things you used to do, it all starts to haunt you back. the most effective way to speed up this phase after all, i guess, is finding someone who can make me smile again. hopefully, the story never gets to have a similar ending.

Date:	2005-01-06 23:50
Subject:	signs
Security:	Public
Mood:	optimistic
Music:	almost over you

i've decided to discontinue pursuing the guy i was referring to in my previous post. it's been an emotional roller coaster ride since i've felt liking him, and that would just be slightly over a month ago. indeed, for non-straight romances, a month can be considerably enough for one to determine if things ought to stay or be taken to another level.

perhaps it was yet another case of plain unrequited affection. if anything, like most things in life, the whole story was complicated. as such, i don't intend to put that all here in detail.
what i do wish to relate is how i got to arrive at my decision with the help of some signs. of course, everything was per my interpretation. still, people concurred with my decision.

actually, the signs did not point out to a single direction all the way.

while he was still in the province (ilocos sur) for their christmas break, we agreed to see the film sigaw (he's got a crush on richard gutierrez) this saturday, together with a common friend. dec 30th i decided to break that deal after he admitted to me that he has asked our common friend's permission if he could flirt with our friend's "special pal", who's in cebu. i asked a friend to see the film with me in robinson's place malate, planning to head to bed afterwards. turns out the mall only has seven cinemas, and out of the eight entries in the then ongoing metro manila film festival, sigaw is the one not being screened there.

this i texted to another friend who's privy to my romantic predicament. i got a reply saying i should take that as a big sign.

then, when we were at the gay club, i got to know a tall, slim guy with a nice smile who also seem to like me. the only problem is that he's already committed to another guy for four years. out of all the "meanwhiles" in the place, why not a single guy? this i again took to tell me something.

so i texted and called him again. by that time, it was less than a week before saturday. i told him i wanted to see him earlier than saturday if possible. but i didn't insist since he said he's got exams during the week.

tuesday, our common friend texted me and said that he's going to the mall to watch a movie. i asked if i could join him since there were three more filmfest entries which i haven't seen.
he said yes. at the mall, while we were about to check the movie schedules, he told me that "my guy" and his "special pal" are meeting up that night, probably to do it. after hearing that, my chest soon started to feel heavy.

then we found out that all the other films have already started, except sigaw. i suggested to my friend that we watch it. he had to hear me confirm it, since he's supposed see it with us on saturday. but i was sure of my choice. i was sure of my decision. the signs changed paths, and i now believe i took the right one.

Date:	2004-12-20 22:54
Subject:	truly, madly, deeply
Security:	Public
Mood:	optimistic

at this very moment, one person's memories lend my partly-swollen face an inspired smile. tonight, even tomorrow, i care less if my misaligned wisdom tooth gives me pain, as long as i get to hear that person say goodnight on my mobile phone again. by then, i'll be the world's luckiest guy, and wear the sweetest smile as i dream.

last night, at the park, he looked like everyone i passed by. good thing i never happened to get near someone using the same perfume, or else it might have made my eyes wet.

i miss the guy. terribly. and it ain't 'til two weeks from now before i get to see him again. the daily texts and the phone conversations every other night just cannot suffice.

the last time i caught myself as mad about someone, things were painfully uncertain. uncertainty breeds frustration. can't help but cry when i'm frustrated. last saturday i cried, with him in mind.

but i've vowed to fight for my feelings for him. as long as i still find a reason from our ceiling every night, i'll be holding my ground.

indeed, i may have fallen. where this'll lead me, i leave to fate.

Date:	2004-11-30 00:02
Subject:	benchsing
Security:	Public
Mood:	lazy
Music:	if i were you by tamia

1. there are three songs which touched me the first time i heard them:
> tamia's if i were you - as interpreted by a contestant in pinoy pop
superstar. i was hoping to download an mp3 through my office pc, was able to find a
regine version nonetheless, which i play and sing along with everyday
> south border's wherever you are - first heard it on myx, and the video made me cry
> keith martin's because of you - as interpreted by dk tijam, a finalist in the first
batch of star in a million. now it's the title of a star cinema movie which we saw
last saturday, and i found amusing.

2. still, almost a month after getting it off the cd store's racks, i've yet to listen to some tracks in regine's covers. what happens is, when i feel like listening to it, i play the tracks i like first, then by the time i finish, i already lose the interest to listen to the remaining tracks.

3. i was able to buy from quiapo an mp3 disc of a compilation of the albums of christian bautista, erik santos, kyla, luke mijares, mark bautista, nina, sheryn regis, and the south border. i only got to listen entirely to christian's songs so far, and i easily fell in love with them. though they kinda sound alike, his songs surely qualify as classic ballads.

4. i was surprised to finally receive last week my copy of the queer eye for a straight guy soundtrack which i ordered discounted through globe. i had to talk to globe's customer service twice because of the order as i never received an order confirmation text which i'm supposed to receive. after talking to i think four agents, my patience finally paid off. ;)

Date:	2004-11-17 21:58
Subject:	2 days after the bonus and 37 days before christmas
Security:	Public
Mood:	dirty
Music:	lss: jasmine trias' love ko 'to

so finally i got my christmas bonus. it's been two days after -- as wished for, i bought myself a "sony" discman from quiapo for 1.7k plus 2 mp3 discs and 3 porn vcds (hehe! i realized i get turned on more with straight porn than m2m; it's a lot wilder and noisier! lolz!); 1k went to my mother who waited for me to come home the day the money was given (she received her bonus the same day; the schedule for the distribution of the money among state workers nationwide was announced on tv); another 1k would have to be allocated for our electricity and water bills (after, again, my mother recited to me all her burden).

fortunately, there's still some decent cash left. here comes a text message from fitness first advising me about my delinquency with my fees. i was told when i called the gym that they cannot charge the fees to my card anymore. so, now i'm thinking of using part of what's left in my money to lighten my card dues, which i've yet to find a way how to deal with and still stay sane in the process.

hopefully, the christmas spirit would soon take over me so that i can start my gift shopping this early while there's still some spare cash. last year i wasn't able to give presents to my officemates, not even to my boss, when i received gifts from them. also, i want to give my odder friends gifts.

i'm keeping my fingers crossed as talks abound about extra monetary incentives coming our way this holidays. who knows, i might be able to afford getting myself a new phone. ;)

oh well, christmas, no matter what -- crisis or no crisis, with someone special or alone yet again -- is supposed to be merry.

Date:	2004-11-03 00:34
Subject:	false alarm
Security:	Public
Mood:	relaxed
Music:	this love -- my ringtone

i just had a slightly embarrassing experience yesterday.

'twas holiday monday and all of a sudden when i woke up my phone's keypads aren't working as they should -- each key was stuck on the second character when it's on "write message" mode. i then looked for in my bag the paper i got from globe which contains the contact numbers of where i can have my sony ericsson repaired under warranty. when i tried to dial the number of one which is located in makati, i got the "number not yet in service" message.

i called up james, a friend who also owns a sony ericsson phone and had it repaired in the past, to ask where he had his phone fixed and also for its contact number, if he has that. turned out the number he has was the same as what's listed on the paper i got from globe. so i called him again and told him the number's not working and asked instead for the place's exact location, planning to go there the next day. jonas, james' partner, gave me the directions.

i also informed roy, the guy i'm currently seeing, about my predicament. he's been convincing me to buy a sun cellular sim like him so we can take advantage of its unlimited call and text promo. pondering later on it, i realized my phone's locked on globe so i can't use any other mobile service provider on it.

the rest of monday and the morning after i was already psyching myself up about being phoneless for no less than a week, unless the repair shop would provide a service unit while they tinker on my phone. i was already thinking of borrowing some kind friend's available spare unit. i also thought of buying a new phone, which unfortunately at the moment has to involve the question of where to source the money needed.

well, if only i had the bread for it i'd purchase a replacement phone (i'm humbly eyeing a nokia 3200, which already has a camera and FM radio for less than ten thousand bucks) right away. i'm so not happy with my se230 anymore. unlike nokia phones, it only has one generic tone as message alert and it doesn't have folders where you can save and sort texts.

back to my story. tuesday morning i went to sony ericsson's website and successfully got a local customer service number. though i had to deal with a rude agent over the phone, i nevertheless succeeded in obtaining the information i needed. the agent told me that i can go to semicon's branch in sm manila (a jeep ride away from our office) for repairs under warranty.

so i told my supervisor that i was going out during lunch break to have my phone checked at the mall. arriving at semicon, i had to secure a service number and waited for my turn. it didn't take long before my turn came.

barely a minute after i handed my phone to the guy at the counter and started telling him about what seems to be its problem, he gave it back, asking me to try the phone's sms. it was working again. i was told the buttons at the side of the phone were just sort of stuck that's why the keys were somewhat affected. the possibility that my phone's problem wasn't really fatal, so to speak, never actually crossed my mind. guess i was just too alarmed and frustrated at the same time that of all, the phone's most used feature was the one malfunctioning.

taking the opportunity, i just told the guy about my phone's other "abnormalities": an MMS message i can't open because the phone dies everytime i attempt to open it and saved numbers which show up unsaved in messages and calls. he answered that may have something to do with the phone's software and that if i wish to have it fixed, i would have to surrender the phone to them for repair which can take 3 to 5 days with a possibility that after the software job the phone may not operate at all and be subject to replacement.

since i can bear with those minor hassles on my phone anyway as opposed to going through the complicated process the guy told me about, i just told him i'd have to think about what he said.
i guess i just have to feel lucky still being able to stay "connected" after all.

Date:	2004-10-20 22:16
Subject:	the gay movie i'd star in
Security:	Public
Mood:	bored

You are: The Object of My Affection

Many women would like to turn you straight! You love your hag so much that you would father her child. But no matter how much you care for her, you know that your heart beats only for a man.</b>

Take The Quiz

Which Gay Movie Would You Star In?

Date:	2004-10-13 01:19
Subject:	unhealthy
Security:	Public
Mood:	lethargic

i feel unhealthy these days. i've got this mild case of colds for the third straight day now and i think something's wrong with my excretion. plus i haven't been to the gym for around a month now because i suppose my card's currently on hold for unpaid overdue payments. *sigh*

i hope the pounds i've noticeably lost is just a result of my past body jam sessions, the weekly badminton games, and the cutdown on food intake, and not something ominous with regard to my health. i'm gulping water and juice as much as possible for my colds and i plan to try fibrosine for my tummy. hope they help.

***************

landi portion

i'm not really fond of using baby powder for any purpose whatsoever, but i think i've been hooked by..ehem..pond's oil & blemish control beauty powder sky blue sprinkle. ;-p
gives me that fresh look..

Date:	2004-10-03 21:25
Subject:	color of the day
Security:	Public
Mood:	gloomy
Music:	one friend

i'm doing this on my lunchbreak. when the clock strikes one, i should be back to what i'm doing so that i'd be done with it by 3.

it's been a blue, blue day. it must be my clothes -- plain, light blue short sleeved polo, dark blue slacks (i'm not familiar with specific names of colors' shades, y' know).

last night, i posted something about someone on my blogspot but unfortunately it wasn't successfully uploaded. maybe the guy at the computer shop where i typed it closed the pc while blogger was publishing my post. well, things are somewhat better between me and "someone" now. there's relief, in a way, but my chest is still heavy.

"someone" is a dear friend. he's been one to me since the day i've conceded he can never be mine. still, he never fails to make me smile whenever i see him or get a text from him.

last saturday, i gave him the cold treatment at the resto for having "taken part", per my judgment, in playing a joke on me the other saturday. he apparently didn't like how i acted. he later texted he found the reason too petty for the treatment.

twenty four hours later, after realizing that i acted childishly, i texted him my apology. he accepted it in his reply just late this morning, after another text from me.

i don't know, but maybe he's among those people right now whom i can't remain not in good terms with for more than a day. for sure, i'd find it hard to deal with if things between us wouldn't be the same again after the incident. i fervently hope it would.

Date:	2004-10-01 01:53
Subject:	boyfriend arm pillow
Security:	Public
Mood:	naughty
Music:	habang atin ang gabi by south border

the news report about this on tv caught my interest last night. i'm actually fond of snuggling to my bedmate. *sigh* i suddenly miss the feeling of waking up beside someone. :p

the pillow reportedly costs an equivalent of P6,000 abroad. i've told my officemates (who are all female) about it. my supervisor seems serious in having one done by her tailor.

based on what i read from the net, it has an alarm feature in the hand part. it vibrates. now if that isn't a salacious add-on, i don't know how else you can describe it. :D

i could have been phoneless (again) today.

last night, instead of taking the jeep home, which entails walking to get to where the jeeps pass, i decided to ride a bus under the alabang viaduct. upon being able to climb up the bus steps, with some people still trying to go down and some going up, i noticed there was this man, in his 40s and wearing a checkered polo, who was squeezing his way to and fro thru the people near the bus steps. sensing the guy's modus, i stopped and stood still, trying to observe his moves and at the same time safeguarding my phone at the right front pocket of my pants and my wallet at the back pocket. good thing i was wearing tight jeans.

later, when i saw the guy sit along the aisle, but still near the bus steps, i decided to sit down and found a seat at the back of the guy, seeing him help kids headed towards the back of the bus. then two ladies went up the bus, and the guy gave his seat to the ladies, with other people still standing near the bus steps. when the bus was about to move, the guy (and i think he has another guy with him) went down the bus. a man sitting about three rows in front of me, perhaps having seen what happened, then told one of the ladies that her phone might have been stolen. true enough, it was missing. my eye missed how it was taken from the woman's front pocket, but i sensed early on the guy was into something.

i recall reading online two weeks ago inquirer's series on phone theft, stating the importance of keeping records of phone theft cases. i doubt if the victim in the story would report the case to the police. i hardly would be inclined to do so, either.

if only the girls were as keen for their belongings' and their own safety, the pickpocketers would have been unsuccessful. for that bus, at least.

Date:	2004-09-29 00:49
Subject:	just moved
Security:	Public
Mood:	complacent
Music:	rain and ultra-deafening thunder

third blog. easyj, mindsay, then this. short lives though. couldn't seem to feel consistently enthusiastic about sharing my so-called life, or perhaps be plain enthusiastic about living. whatever. i might even lose interest in 72 hours. but no, today, i'm back to blogdom, and the words just came easy (and the workload cooperated! yahoo!), the mood just right, okay, everything may have conspired, for this, another benchspeak, to be born.

i always derive a sense of accomplishment whenever i get to finish writing something, being the chronic procrastinator that i am. be it a blog entry or a concept paper, i am most conscious about being able to use the most impactful and precise words available from my limited vocabulary, so much, one remarked to me, that my material comes across as one written by a high school student. well, that's his opinion. i couldn't care less.

there were several instances when i felt like posting again in my previous blog, driven by a strong emotion or story to tell, but often ran out of time composing the post, losing interest in finishing it and eventually in reviving my blog. two days ago i found out mindsay has come up with a new version and so i had to redesign my blog. after going thru experimenting with a new look for the blog, composing my "comeback" post, everything went pfft when the "submit" button didn't work when i hit it. guess it's part of the much-complained IT-installed system blocks in the office. sigh.

i think this time, everything will push thru with livej. i'm crossing my fingers.